M: June 22, 2010 marks the one-year anniversary of our first post, and we thought that we’d celebrate. We decided to follow the lead of one of our favorite ice cream makers, Ben and Jerry’s, who give out free ice cream on the company’s birthday. So today, all content on the site is completely free!!!
OK, so the whole site’s free… but hey, we’re doing what we can. We did consider what to do for the anniversary, and decided to share some things with you that we’ve found interesting over the past year. You see, one of the services WordPress provides is allowing us to see what search engine terms have led people to our blog. Most of these search phrases are very straightforward and make perfect sense, like “relatively entertaining, ” “quibbling siblings” or something we’ve reviewed, like “you can’t take it with you” or “the good wife.” However, there are some searches that stand out, and make us wonder either how that term led to us, why the person searching for it clicked on our link, or what the hell they were actually looking for.
E: Throughout the year, M has kept track of the searches that amused him. Now we present to you a list of our favorite head-scratchers, oddities, and goofball ways people have found us in the last year.
M: We’re going to break convention (save the best for last) by starting out with the search that made me start keeping track of these to begin with, the biggest case of “I REALLY don’t want to know what you wanted to find” I’ve ever seen:
- lupin chicken free sexing
We know that it found us because of E’s Harry Potter fan fiction post, but seriously, WTF were they looking for?!?!
E: And why on earth did they think they’d found it?
M: Actually, if you’re the person who searched that, and became a regular reader because of it and are reading this now… um, yeah, please don’t share. I don’t think we need to know. Really. Thanks.
C: But we appreciate your readership nonetheless!
M: This did, however, prove only to be the start of a trend, where E would write something that tread on the line of decency, leading to, um, how do I put this? let’s say… sexually curious people, finding our site.
C: Yeah, E knows how to draw ’em in…
E: Oh please! Get over it! Will you two mention the fact that what I write is almost always totally innocent? Or that the most search hits I’ve been responsible for are people looking for The Good Wife‘s fake search engine, Thetapedia? No! Of course not!
M: Of course not. There’s nothing fun and interesting about that. So there. Fine, ok, so E’s not really crossing the line that often.
E: Gee, thanks.
- wifebang (repeatedly, on almost a daily basis)
- best friend three some wifebang
- surprise wife threesome
- wife treesome long porn clip
- convince wife threesome share
- threesome with wife and her boyfriend
- husband films wife in threesome
C: I think my favorite is “surprise wife threesome.” Yeah, um… good luck with that, buddy!
M: I think that she wouldn’t end up being the only one surprised.
E: Yeah. You can just see the next entry on that browser’s search history: “divorce attorney”.
M: Then there’s the internationally inquisitive:
- do german ladies make good wifes
the religiously inquisitive:
- can muslims have threesome with his wife
and the always lively:
- frigid threesome
C: That one’s a puzzler.
E: And again, I just can’t think why you’d click on a review of a TV show like The Good Wife if you were looking for… well, actually I’m not at all sure what the results for “frigid threesome” was supposed to look like to that searcher, and I guess I don’t want to, either.
M: Rather than diving into the nitty gritty of that one, we’ll move on. The Good Wife and its suggestive titles wasn’t the only source for shady search terms! No, no, one of the Quibbling Siblings favorites, Castle, had an episode about a dominatrix the spawned a lot of lewd searches which were clearly not creepy even in the least, such as:
- guys messing with female corpse
- leather clad corpse
- what are spanks for cheerleading
- men whow like to be spanked
- strong woman holds down man and spanks him
and the spelling of “whow” is not our typo, that’s how it was searched.
C: In other words, that’s totally [sic]. Heh heh.
M: I have to say sis, I think the writers of Castle would be quite pleased with that little quip. Now, not all the searches were dirty, but before we move on, one last one that cracked us up, after our Emmys post:
- “christina applegate” -nude -naked -porn
It didn’t crack us up because of the search itself, it was how thorough the searcher felt they needed to be to make sure they’d get lascivious results! Now, I will freely admit that I am not an expert at searching for porn on the internet, but do you really need nude, naked AND porn as keywords? Wouldn’t you think just one, maybe two would get the job done?
E: And then, having so clearly defined your narrow area of interest, why would you click on a post about the Emmy awards ceremony?
C: Hey, there’s no reason why a person can’t be interested in porn and the Emmys.
E: Um, I guess, but at the same time?
M: On that note, we’ll move on.
E: Yes, thank you.
M: Some of the searches were amusing for their variations. After we posted our Olympics opening ceremony recap, we found that there were between 50 and 100 different combinations of ways to search for a review, with pluralization, year, order, and the seemingly random addition of punctuation. It was really entertaining to see the variations as they came in, mixed in with a few gems like the following:
- “bermuda shorts” olympics handsome
- olympics wolverine fiddler
E: It made me happy to see I wasn’t the only one who thought that guy’s hair looked like Wolverine!
M: Now, we’ll move on to things that just made us laugh. In no particular order:
- you take it with you 1938 can-t “can t “
Do you really need both can’ts?
C: I thought it was nice. They wanted to learn about a classic film and punctuation at the same time.
- what does mmgf mean
M: That’s our abbreviation for E’s pal and sometimes contributor “My Movie-Going Friend,” though my guess is the searcher was looking for something else entirely. There were a handful of things that came up when I searched it, none of them particularly memorable or humorous, unfortunately.
E: I mentioned one in my review of Precious, but really, we’ve gotten a bunch of hits on just this one word. Can unitards be so hard to find online? I mean, I’d have thought that people looking for them would want to buy them, not read movie reviews. Not that I’m complaining! Thanks for stopping in!
C: Again, it’s not like people can’t be interested in movies and unitards. Or watching movies in unitards, possibly. It could be a whole subculture, for all we know!
M: Lovely, now you have me Googling unitard wearing subcultures to try to find out what’s really out there. Since I don’t think anyone actually wants to know the results of that, we’ll continue with the one word terms…
E used it in a Castle review, but we have no clue why someone would search it, or decide that a Castle review was what they were looking for!
C: Well, it’s not a real word, is it? Reason enough to do a Google search, if you read it in something.
M: A dictionary or urban reference search, maybe, but a generic search engine lookup? Seems a bit sketchy to me. I mean, that’s pretty much what those Bing commercials make fun of search engines for, right?
C: Search engine snob! If you search a single word a dictionary’s usually the top hit. I do it all the time.
M: Where as I search smarter… and bookmarked dictionary.com. Anyway…
- endoscopic third ventriculostomy anatomy (twice!)
E: I’m a little embarrassed about this one.
M: Oh, this was one of my personal favorites. It’s a pretty nasty-looking condition, that is apparently abbreviated “ETV,” which you post your Grey’s Anatomy and Project Runway reviews as (since C and I don’t care about those shows). But someone searching for information on the condition apparently decided they’d had enough of the medical mumbo-jumbo, and checked out a blog piece about Grey’s Anatomy instead. Twice.
E: I’m flattered, even though it makes me feel funny that my silly shorthand turns out to be a heinous disease. Anyway, if it was you, thanks for visiting! I hope you enjoyed! A wish I extend to the person who found us through this:
- on the black hip hop girls of etv entire
M: Another ETV related search, this time we think combining some of our So You Think You Can Dance review, but another case of “what were you looking for and why did you think you found it”? We’re intrigued. Speaking of which, there’s this:
- movies25.com couples retreat
This was so strangely specific, and so specifically not us. Also strangely specific…
- june 19, 2010 sexbomb audition
Oddly, this came in before June 19th. We think someone was looking to audition for something. What, exactly, we’re not sure we want to know.
- project runway sophia difficult to jesus
Yes, there was someone named Jesus (hey-zeus) on Project Runway, but you have to admit, “sophia difficult to jesus” just reads funny.
- obscure oscar predictions 2010
E: This one offends me. Obscure? How rude! 😉 Then there’s this complete puzzler:
- put fred in his bed orienteering
M: We could come up with absolutely, positively no clue. No clue what they were looking for. No clue what post of ours even came up. No clue why they clicked on it, whichever one it was. I ran the search and gave up after about 15 pages of dead end links. Along similar lines…
- can’t blame jodie foster for but you can
M: We’re not sure what you might want to blame Jodie Foster for, but whatever it is, even though you may think you can’t blame her, apparently you can.
E: We like Jodi Foster. I don’t think we’re interested in blaming her for anything.
C: Oh, I dunno – there’s Nim’s Island.
M: I’ve actually been told (with an in depth review, no less) that that’s quite enjoyable to watch with children. I looked on IMDb, I couldn’t come up with anything to blame her for.
E: Maybe we wrote something about the absurdity of criminals blaming their crushes for their crimes? I don’t know. Speaking of absurdity:
- list of absurd black white movies
- watch classic crime racist movies
M: I had to put these together. I can’t tell if the first searcher wanted black-and-white movies, or movies about racial tension or racism.
E: Or absurdist classics.
C: I think it’s clear the second searcher, at least, just felt like sitting down to some good old racist classics. Too bad they probably got my commentary on In the Heat of the Night instead!
M: It’s too bad for them we weren’t writing about Birth of a Nation! However, I’m guessing it’s the former, but you never know, especially when we get the second search. This one, on the other hand, makes us unreservedly happy:
- miss piggy mimimimimi
Just the search cracked me up, but then running it and noticing that our post was third, nestled between IMDb (second) and Wikipedia (fourth), made me proud.
E: I love that we get hits consistently because of a line from a beloved commercial that came up in the comments section of one post:
- Hey, Yuri, don’t smoosh package!
M: Yes, that’s been really funny in how many times people are searching for a line from an old commercial. Then there’s this bit of brilliance:
- mr t vs the matrix
This search found us because of our Chuck reviews (Chuck episode titles all start with “Chuck vs.”), but again, we have no idea what they were looking for. However, if anyone ever made a movie pitting Mr T against the Matrix, all three of us would be in line for the midnight showing!
E: Oh yeah.
M: Since this whole anniversary post is about odd tangential connections, we’ll end with one that seemed completely innocuous:
- chuck casey coburn actor why
It came from an episode of Chuck in which we found out that Casey’s real name had been Alex Coburn.
C: As anyone who read that review will know, I’m totally with this searcher. That actor who played Young Casey was a terrible choice for the role.
M: It was the “why” that caught my attention (bonus points if you can place the line that I’m paraphrasing!) and made me run the same search. That’s when things got really strange, as the fourth result that comes up on Google is “William Shatner Naked Photos.” My reaction was something to the effect of…
That of course, begged two questions… first, why does searching on a random grouping of words from an episode of Chuck lead to a website dedicated to naked photos of William Shatner? Second, and more importantly, WHY IS THERE A WEBSITE DEDICATED TO NAKED PHOTOS OF WILLIAM SHATNER?!?!?!?!?!
If you can answer that, that will be your birthday present to us.
C: M… now that you’ve said it six time, you do realize we’re gonna get a bunch of searches for that, right?
M: For naked photos of William Shattner? I don’t think they exist.
Regardless, however you found us, thank you all for searching, finding, and reading this past year – it’s been a lot of fun for us.